Family conflict: Interactive Self-Assessment

Updated 3 October 2026

Clarify which kind of assessment you need

The phrase family assessment is used in several settings. A therapy assessment considers emotional and relationship concerns. A social care or safeguarding assessment has a different purpose and may involve different responsibilities, powers and information-sharing rules. A legal report is different again. Before attending, ask who requested the assessment, what it is intended to decide and who will receive any resulting information.

This page concerns voluntary preparation for counselling or family therapy. It cannot replace a professional assessment in another setting or tell you what a statutory process will conclude. If you have received a formal invitation or referral, ask the organisation to explain its role directly. Knowing the purpose helps you prepare relevant questions and avoids assuming that a supportive conversation is also a legal or social care decision.

Describe the concern without diagnosing relatives

A useful starting description identifies the difficulty and its effect on you. You might explain that care discussions repeatedly end without a decision, or that contact with a relative leaves you anxious for several days. These observations are more useful than assigning a personality disorder or motive to someone who has not been assessed. The professional can ask for context without requiring you to prove a diagnosis.

Try to separate what you directly observed from what you suspect. For example, you may know that a message went unanswered but not why. You can still describe the uncertainty and distress it created. This distinction does not mean dismissing harm or doubting your experience. It helps the clinician understand which facts are available, which interpretations need exploration and which concerns require a safety-focused response.

Choose a manageable example

Select one interaction that illustrates the difficulty. Note what was happening beforehand, who was involved, what you said or did and how the situation ended. A brief sequence is enough. You do not need to reconstruct every disagreement or prepare a complete family history. If the most painful event feels too difficult to describe, tell the professional that and begin elsewhere.

Include an example of something that works, when one comes to mind. Perhaps a practical conversation goes better in writing, or a particular relative helps people slow down. RDaSH highlights strengths and resources as part of family therapy. Noticing these does not minimise the problem; it provides a fuller picture than a record containing only the worst moments.

Map responsibilities rather than only relationships

Family conflict can be shaped by who carries practical responsibilities. Consider appointments, transport, money, meals, childcare, interpretation, emotional support and decisions that require coordination. Who currently does each task? Was that arrangement explicitly agreed? Which responsibilities are becoming unsustainable? A simple description may reveal a practical issue that needs action alongside any emotional work.

Avoid turning the worksheet into a scorecard of who contributes most. Different people may have different capacities, and some tasks are less visible than others. The aim is to identify expectations and gaps. If the concern involves a person’s care, remember that their own wishes and consent matter. A family discussion about support should not automatically exclude the person whose life and daily arrangements are being discussed.

Consider whose participation could be useful

You can note who is directly involved and who might provide support, without deciding that everyone must attend. The assessment should consider willingness, safety and the purpose of the work. The Association for Family and Systemic Psychotherapy describes work with different combinations of significant relationships. There is no need to organise a large family meeting before asking a professional about the appropriate format.

When someone is reluctant, record that as a practical consideration rather than a reason to pressure them. Individual support may still be possible. Where a child might be involved, ask how the professional will assess their needs, explain the process and protect them from adult disputes. Do not ask children to complete an adult conflict worksheet, choose sides or provide evidence about a relative’s behaviour.

Set out your own goals and limits

A goal might be a clearer care arrangement, less distress around visits, a way to discuss difficult topics or support in deciding what contact is manageable. State what you hope for without assuming that a therapist can make another person change. It may help to distinguish what is within your control from what depends on others’ choices or on resources outside the family.

You can also identify topics you are not ready to discuss jointly. That does not make you uncooperative. It gives the professional information about pace, privacy and suitability. Goals should remain open to review as the assessment develops. The clinician may identify another need, such as individual mental health care or practical assistance, which should be explained rather than simply replacing your concerns with a predetermined plan.

Ask about confidentiality before sharing details

Family work creates several privacy questions. Who is the client? Are separate conversations offered? How are messages from one participant handled? Who receives summaries or can request access to records? Ask these questions before sending detailed accounts through an ordinary booking email. A service should explain its arrangements in a way that each participant can understand.

Do not assume that the person paying has access to everyone else’s information. Equally, do not assume that every private disclosure can remain outside the joint work under every therapist’s policy. Safeguarding and other confidentiality limits should be explained for the relevant setting. When safety is a concern, ask about a safe contact method before leaving a phone number, email address or written account that another person could discover.

Safety concerns do not need a completed worksheet

If there are threats, abuse, coercion or fear of retaliation, the priority is appropriate support rather than completing preparation questions. A joint assessment may not be safe when someone controls who can speak, attend or seek help. Contact local emergency services for immediate danger. For concerns that are not immediate emergencies, seek confidential advice from a suitable specialist or healthcare professional.

Avoid writing names, locations, plans or detailed allegations on a shared device. Do not show assessment notes to a potentially unsafe relative in an attempt to persuade them. The absence of a score is deliberate: a low-looking result could falsely reassure, while a high-looking result could be used to label or threaten someone. Safety decisions require real-world information and an appropriate professional response, not an online total.

Health, access and practical preparation

Tell the assessor about relevant communication needs, disabilities, language preferences and cultural considerations. You can also mention your own current treatment, sleep difficulties or distress when these affect participation. There is no need to disclose another adult’s complete medical history without their permission. Ask what information is necessary and whether a secure referral summary can be provided through an appropriate channel.

Clarify appointment length, location, fees and whether the first session is individual or joint. For online work, discuss privacy, the locations of participants and what happens if the connection fails. BACP explains that counselling can take different forms depending on need. The practical arrangement should fit the people involved, rather than expecting everyone to manage a format that prevents them from participating meaningfully.

What to ask after the assessment

Ask the professional to summarise what they understand, what remains uncertain and which options they recommend. What is the purpose of the proposed work? Who would attend? What alternatives are available? When would progress be reviewed? You should be able to correct misunderstandings and take time to consider the plan, particularly when several relatives have different expectations.

The worksheet itself does not send information to VAYEMA or create an appointment. Any downloaded copy remains on your device and is not a secure clinical record. Keep only what is useful and safe. The professional association provides information on accessing family support; the companion treatment guide also explains common questions. You can use either route without completing every prompt or obtaining agreement from the whole family.

Frequently asked questions

Resources and references

[1] RDaSH NHS: Family therapy

[2] Association for Family and Systemic Psychotherapy: What is family and systemic therapy?

[3] Association for Family and Systemic Psychotherapy: Get help

[4] BACP: What is counselling?