Relationship difficulties: Interactive Self-Assessment

Updated 3 October 2026

What this relationship assessment is for

The worksheet is an organisational aid: a place to put a concern into words before deciding what to discuss. It has not been validated as a clinical questionnaire and has no thresholds, result bands or diagnostic interpretation. The number of prompts you answer does not indicate how serious the problem is. One issue can be enough to seek help, and an empty worksheet does not mean that nothing is wrong.

Start with the question you would most like a professional to help you explore. For example, you might want to understand why a practical discussion repeatedly gets stuck, how to describe a boundary or what type of appointment is appropriate. These are examples of possible requests, not symptoms to count. You are not being asked to document the entire relationship or provide a persuasive case against the other person.

Choose the relationship and the scope of your concern

Relationship support is not limited to romantic partners; BACP describes counselling concerning family, workplace and other relationships too. The kind of connection matters when choosing an appropriate professional and appointment format. State the broad relationship rather than entering the person’s full name or contact details. [1]

Then choose a manageable scope for the first conversation. You might focus on one repeated issue, a recent change or uncertainty about what to do next. Avoid trying to resolve several unrelated relationships in the same notes. A sentence such as wanting help with expectations around family contact can be enough to explain the initial request. Further detail can be discussed through an agreed clinical route when it is needed.

Use a specific example rather than a personality label

For the example prompt, describe what you observed and what you want help understanding. Keep what happened separate from your interpretation of it. You might note that a plan changed without discussion and that you felt excluded. That is different from claiming to know that the other person intended to hurt you. You can describe the impact without deciding their motive or selecting a diagnosis from an online list.

Include your own uncertainty where it exists. You can write that you do not remember the exact sequence, that there are several perspectives or that a topic is difficult to explain. This preparation is not a legal statement, a credibility test or a substitute for assessment. Do not collect private messages, record conversations secretly or seek access to another person’s accounts for the purpose of completing these prompts.

Describe the impact in your own terms

Consider what the concern is changing for you. Does it affect a decision you need to make, your ability to raise an issue, the time you spend thinking about it or how you organise daily responsibilities? These questions help you choose what to discuss; they do not establish a disorder. A practical example is more useful here than trying to rate the whole relationship as good or bad.

You could write that you postpone certain conversations, feel uncertain about an agreement or want more clarity about what you are being asked to do. Leave out any prompt that does not fit. Do not treat distress as a requirement to prove that your concern is valid. The worksheet also cannot infer that the relationship is safe because you continue working, meeting responsibilities or having positive experiences alongside the difficulty.

Safety concerns are not a questionnaire result

UK domestic abuse guidance describes threats, isolation, control of money and monitoring among behaviours that may warrant specialist support. You do not need a numerical score or visible injury to ask for help. Where you feel unsafe, use an appropriate individual support route rather than relying on this preparation tool to decide whether a joint discussion is suitable. [2]

The prompts deliberately do not ask you to document dangerous incidents or calculate risk. Consider whether someone else can see your screen, device or saved files before writing anything. Leave the worksheet unused if recording information might create a problem. For immediate danger, contact local emergency services. A routine website enquiry and an optional worksheet do not provide an emergency response, and nobody is monitoring the answers for warning signs.

Record previous attempts without judging yourself

The prompt about what you have tried is not an assessment of whether you have worked hard enough. You might mention a previous discussion, an agreement, an individual appointment or a practical change. Note what you found useful, what did not fit and what you would not want to repeat. You do not need to defend those preferences or complete another attempt before asking for professional input.

For example, you could explain that a written arrangement clarified the practical issue but left another question unanswered. Or you might say that a suggested shared exercise did not feel appropriate. These are observations for discussion, not evidence that one approach must work next time. Avoid turning the worksheet into a diary of every disagreement; its purpose is to prepare a focused starting point, not to keep you continuously reviewing the relationship.

Separate your goals from decisions you cannot make for someone else

Choose a goal that describes what you want help with rather than what another person must feel. You might want clearer information about support, help expressing a preference or space to consider options. You can also write that you are uncertain. There is no requirement to decide the future of the relationship before an initial conversation or to adopt a shared goal that does not reflect your wishes.

A useful distinction is between your decision to seek support and another adult’s decision about participating. The worksheet does not authorise anyone to speak for them, diagnose them or disclose their private history. An initial enquiry can ask whether individual work is available. Do not make completion of these notes a condition of another person’s participation, and do not use their willingness or refusal as a score of commitment.

Ask about the assessment and confidentiality process

Counselling involves a trained professional helping you explore concerns rather than simply supplying instructions. Ask what an initial appointment covers and how suitability for further work is considered. NHS information on counselling is a useful introduction, but the service should explain its own process and arrangements directly. [3]

Before any shared work, clarify whether separate conversations may occur and how information from them is handled. BACP highlights these confidentiality questions in couples counselling. Your preparation notes can simply record the questions you want answered; you do not need to disclose sensitive information before understanding the arrangement. Ask also about records, contact between appointments and how to raise a concern. [4]

Keep other health concerns on a separate agenda

A relationship reflection worksheet cannot assess depression, anxiety or physical symptoms. Where you also have a health concern, say so and ask who should assess it. NHS depression guidance describes several treatment options and does not make relationship-focused work a substitute for all individual care. A qualified clinician needs to consider the person, not infer a diagnosis from relationship notes. [5]

For preparation, you can separate a question about your wellbeing from the question about the relationship. For instance, you might want to discuss a change in how you are feeling as well as uncertainty about family expectations. Do not use a worksheet result, or the absence of one, to change medication or delay needed care. Bring relevant health information through a suitable agreed route rather than including it in an ordinary booking message.

Finish with a small, clear next step

When you have enough notes, choose one or two points to raise at the appointment and stop. You may prefer to keep nothing written and explain the concern verbally. The tool does not automatically save or transmit your answers. Any download you choose to create remains a separate file on your device, and browser features or other software may create privacy risks beyond the tool’s control.

If you seek a VAYEMA appointment, begin with the broad support you are looking for, your preferred contact method and any accessibility or scheduling needs. Ask for confirmation of the appropriate service rather than assuming the worksheet has arranged care. The companion understanding and treatment guides offer background and questions about options. They do not issue a verdict about your relationship, and using them does not commit you to counselling.

Frequently asked questions

Resources and references

[1] BACP: Relationship counselling

[2] GOV.UK: Domestic abuse support

[3] NHS: Counselling

[4] BACP: Couples counselling and confidentiality

[5] NHS: Treatment for depression in adults